WOWWW!! it is 2025, the 2nd of January today.
How time flies, the last time I wrote in here was in October 2021. That was 4 years ago.
The most awakening year of my life was in 2021. This was the year that I treasured. I learnt compassion and self love, my confidence skyrocketed, I felt loved and at the same time understand that some relationships meant only for a season. I valued and kept the people and friendships I built, I worked on myself like never before. I was the leanest and strongest physically this year, I was having fun like I was back in my teenage years again. It was so fun and I remember the nights I spent outside with you, those moments I will remember forever and I am truly grateful for what happened to us, but also at the same time I had broken down to pieces, I felt regret and questioning why things went this way for us and why was it so difficult for us to be together. why weren't we meant to be when all I can think about was all those little moments and chances that had appeared in front of us but we were just not meant to be.. I didnt hate you, I could never.. and I know its because it comes from gratitude and acceptance having to get to know you for a decade, it was definitely a love story for me, it was bittersweet and, yet also being given the chance to spend this year with you have many of my unanswered questions being answered and I grew mentally stronger and I accepted things and as well as I learnt to let go. This year was the year of you and me, and the year that I longed for so much, maybe it was the closure that I needed, it gave me a taste of what it feels like to be so intimate with you, having a person on my mind constantly, like I could not get you out of my mind, I had to take afternoon walks just to spend that time ruminating about us. It was so very consuming, my thoughts were all you, all the songs I listened to reminded me of you, all that I do seemed like it was for you and because of this, because I was so focus on you, I was able to detached from my role as a wife and mother and to focus on myself so much so that it actually did me good, I had no regret. I was doing pilates 4x a week, was constantly tracking my macro, and in this journey I find that I found myself again, I felt good and even at the end of it, I knew you and I were never meant to be, I was still thriving because I grew from it and I learnt to appreciate what comes and go. Although it took me awhile to completely let go, I did it in a way with respect and having that boundary helped me and I am so proud of myself for doing what I did to survive this year.
2022 - This year was the year that I went on a holiday after such a long paused because of Covid! I went to Bali with my sisters in July for 2 weeks. We stayed at the bestttttt hotel Kempinski! I love the architecture and how luxurious it was. That was also one of the trip I enjoyed so very much. But my sisters and I did have a fight at the last day of the trip and I couldnt understand and it felt really triggering that people were so unforgiving when I feel like I needed help, minor things like passing a tart to the driver. When I have always put myself last to serve others and go and beyond to be there for them, apparently I always asked for help, and refusing to do things myself. and I felt like its not true. Its absolutely not correct because I hate asking for help and I rarely do it, and its funny because I often feel that I rather not ask for help and ended up in a shit situation because I feel embarrassed to ask for things. Anyway, I still feel hurt when I think about it. I don't think we will do a sisters holiday again in the future.
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The week before I went to Bali, was the last day we ever see each other. We were supposed to catch up again in August but we didn't make it and I haven't seen you since. I also went to Singapore and Bali again in December to see my family. Then I found out that I was pregnant with Aaron in December 2022. Funny in a way that how things ended smoothly, and it couldn't be any better because I contacted you in October and you never replied. You have a habit of not replying and I have a problem with ego, so I nonchalantly ignore you and stop contacting you. Then when I found out that I was pregnant, it comes to a realisation that it is the end of us. No Christmas greetings, No happy New Year and No Birthday wishes.
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2023- This year was a year of nesting for me. The year of Rabbit. Aaron was born, I was full again, my heart was filled with love, It was also bittersweet knowing that Lucas will need to adjust as a big brother. My focus was completely on family and taking on motherly role. I remember crying because when Aaron was born and I looked at Lucas and his fingers has grown longer and at that moment I felt like he is growing tooooo quick and now he had to be a big brother. I cannot explain the feeling. I shared the feeling that the love now need to be divided between the 2. It will be unfair at times but I tried to give the attention Lucas needed as much. Things get hard when he felt like I dont care for him or when he starting to act like he is entitled. It shouldnt be that way. Its a progress and I am learning everyday. This year was such a new beginning year for me. It was nice to have a newborn again, to relive those moments when I was pregnant and giving birth again, confinement, endless feeding every 2 hours and smooching over a newborn baby and Lucas. Lucas was about to start prep in 2024, so it happened to be he was at home since June as I have pulled him out from his childcare. Herb was working from home and I have never felt so grateful for the family I have. Being in a newly renovated house, bigger this time, more space, and everyone at home, my mother inlaw came to help out, the house was filled full of love. I was not alone, farrrrr from being lonely, This time it I was able to enjoy being a new mother for the second time. Aaron was such a good baby, he sleeps wells, drink well..I was able to rest, Herb helped alot this time round. I was feeling so much love, it was August, misty cold sunny morning.. My morning was bright, and the night was sweet. The days and this year felt wayyyy too short. I wanted things to stay this way, but December comes, and 2024 comes.
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2024 - I feel like 2024 been quite a colourful year, being a dragon year! My second sister and my parents visited us in Melbourne, we spent a week together and I took them around, which was nice. We travelled to GoldCoast and Sydney, celebrated my moms birthday in GC. That was eventful but also eye opening, learning about the dynamic from my family. I forget how my parents were and how they are now. How toxic their relationship could be and how they view things so backwardly, and when I think about how parents should be the role model for us, it wasn't the case and I suppose I learn that I may not always be right even if we are the parent.
I started work in July. This was the end of my mat leave, I had to return to work, quite a change of routine. I am not complaining I love the side of me that I am also a full time worker.
A lot of people found out that I have a second baby now, including you which was a shocked to you I supposed.. many people were shocked to be honest.
I found out few of my friends are also pregnant but the worst news was when I found about Milaan's passing. This was such a heartbreak for everyone. It changes the dynamic of our group of friends. Though in a way it made us closer. I spent NYE with Komal and Prabpreet.
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